Simply Not Simple

What the hell? I feel like I failed as a mom

My children do not have very good grades.  My daughter graduated with absolutley no true achievements other than graduation.  I can only pray she works 10x harder at college.  She wants to be an occupational therapist and I work at the only OT school in the state and I know how hard it is to get in.  They expect stellar grades and extracurriculars.  I guess that sounds more harsh than what I actually intend.  She graduated highschool!  She is going to college!  I just worry- it's what we moms do.

My 13 year old, I have found out in the last 3 days, has been texting pictures of herself taken from a high angle so you can see down her tank tops, received texts (and actually I received it since I had taken her phone from her) that said "cum suck my dick"  I responded to that text with these words "This is Macie's mother- if I ever catch you writing things like that to my daughter again I will hunt you down and you will wish you were dead".  Harsh? Yes.  Fair warning?  Absolutely!  Her older brother was twitching he was so angry and he said he was going to go beat the tar out of him.  Her older sister was going to drive the getaway car.  I am extremely proud that my older two are so protective of their sister- but why is my daughter doing this?  I don't believe it's for attention because she is making every effort to hide it. (And almost succeeded if it weren't for the fact that I reserve the right to my children's cell phones at any and all times)  She will be drug tested. There is a contact on her phone for the "Free weed hotline".  We have not yet said anything to her because this child can lie to our faces and we are waiting to "ambush" her with what we know.  I come from a long, long line of alcoholics and drug addicts and I will do ANYTHING necessary to nip this behaviour in the bud.  Anything.  I will not watch her turn into my suicidal sister, or my violent abusive brother.  I thought that raising kids in a loving, two parent, non-abusive family was enough.  Apparently it's not.  I hurt, I'm angry and I feel like a complete and total failure.  I know at this point, not many people are still reading my blog, but if ANYONE has any ideas that could help, I would appreciate it more than you could ever know.

I made it through graduation number one

And, I believe, mostly due to my father-in-law acting like a royal asshole and embarrassing the shit out of me- I did not cry.  My sweet girl is now an 18 year old, graduated (although she still has 2 weeks of school) semi-grown up person. I'm sure August will be much harder, once she's no longer physically present in my house, but for now I'm happy for her, and glad that she is another further step down the road of figuring out who she is, and where she fits in this world.  I want to tell her that changes throughout life, but I think I'll let her learn that on her own.  We moms can't throw everything at them at once.  Life lessons must be learned by the student, and yet also taught by the student.  I pray that my baby has a blessed life, her whole life through.

Now THIS is a graduating class!  They had over 1000 walk- and oh, it's every bit as boring as you might think (even while trying to pretend to have no idea who my asshole father-in-law was for the first hour-SHEESH)

(I will, hopefully post better pics tomorrow- this was taken with my blackberry- I couldn't get all the students in with my zoom lens)

 

Today I wish I had tons of readers and yet, today I wish I had none

Monday was a very, very bad day.  There was no rhyme or reason as to why this day was so bad and yet it was truly awful.  My mind was stuck in a downward spiral- sinking faster than quicksand.  My daughter is graduating and oh my god will I miss her.  I am trying to forge similar relationships with the other kids, but none of my other kids were gestated and brought to the age of one by me with occassional help from Gib (he was in college and working- he wasn't to blame).  This child, who can never stop talking (to this day!, but worse as a two year old) has a great hunk of my heart.  When I woke up after back surgery, instead of wanting my mommy and husband as per usual, I wanted my husband and my eldest child.

I felt like a bad mom.  Everything I had done wrong since birth all of a sudden dropped on my shoulders. I am a perfectionist, so stuff that normal people with normal wiring wouldn't care about bothers me immensely.I want to be the best at everything, and right now I'm the best at NOTHING.

My relationship with my husband has changed, and it's not working out quite to the extent that it should.  I feel judged by him, always.  Partially because he does judge me (for not going to work, for taking medication that makes me goofy, and for forgetting the kid's activities with WAY too much frequency), but he doesn't judge me ALL the time, and he rarely comments on it, so I think it may be somewhat a transference of how I feel for myself.  Unworthy.

I left work early that day (judge! AND gripe!), went to a carpet store since we're in the middle of fixing up the house.  I spoke to Gib and everything appeared normal.  I didn't cry (I had been crying ALL DAMN DAY), and he had no clue just how broken I felt.  I thought he should just KNOW.  He should just KNOW when his wife contemplates taking every pill in her drug box (and there are MANY; way more than enough to end my life).  I called him sobbing and 'fessed up, told him I wanted to take all my pills and just not have to deal with anything anymore.  He came home (sorta- I forgot to pick up my daughter from cheer practice, so he wasn't really earlier than usual).  And then I had NO REASON to give him for the way I felt.  There were lots of things, little things- but not things that make you feel so desperate, so hopeless.  My love for my husband and kids kept me from acting on that impulse, and yet it scares me.  I really, truly wanted to do it.  I wanted to commit suicide.

I believe I scared the CRAP out of my husband because he came home this morning (I haven't been going in to work because....well, no reason... apathy I suppose).  He said he was just checking on me, but he has never, ever felt the need to do that before.  Monday when I told him my feelings he insisted I get help.  I was so damn terrified he would have me committed that I called my old counselor and told her something that ended with "if I don't get an appt, I think my husband will have me involuntarily committed". 

I'm still here, and I don't feel as hopeless as before; but I'm also pissed.  At me, at Gib and at the world in general.  Why does life have to be so fucking hard?  Where did the rainbows and sunshine go?  Who am I now? I don't want to be like my sister, who tries unsuccessfully to kill herself on a regular basis.  I don't want to be my father, alcoholic and abusive.  Yet, apparently I have the same tendencies as they do (well, I'm not alcoholic and abusive- but I am desperate, so desperate) Was I oblivious that life sucked before?  If so, I want to go back to the happy place.  I miss the happy place.

Today I am teary eyed

Now I realize that, in general, teary eyed is an adjective, but for me, right now, today, it's a verb, a noun and probably an adverb.  So many things to be happy about, many to be sad about- and a few to be downright incredulous about.

I am happy that my daughter is going off to college, but then again my daughter is going off to college.   What happens when she, in her sweet, innocent and giving spirit gets broken down by her friends again?  I won't be there to pick up the pieces (or at least, put them in perspective).  Kelsie and I have a special bond and I am her constant. Yeah, I know I'm a phone call away, but you can't always answer your phone....It's just hard.

I am happy that Macie is now a cheerleader, I may not be best buddies with any of the cheer moms- I will suffer their scrutiny with (My own special brand of) class.  Macie has a tendancy towards being a liar which I don't understand at all, and being lazy.  I am hoping that cheer kicks her ass (in a good way).  Kelsie's self-esteem skyrocketed with cheer, and I think the friendships helped to ground Kelsie at a time that teenage girls are swirling in the pit of teenage hell.  I hope I can forge a relationship with Macie like I have with Kelsie.  I'm trying, but it's hard going with this child.  Since BIRTH when she would rather be anywhere but in another human's arms (I kid you not- she preferred the floor to a person), she has always marched to her own drum.  The scary thing is she is a gorgeous girl.  A gorgeous girl who has a brother only 18 months older than her.  Mmmm Hmmm- yep, that's what I was thinking too.  I just don't know what to do about the lying either.  She can lie straight to your face and you wouldn't know.  Now, if she were a poker player- we be great; since she is NOT. this is enough to make me  want to tear my hair out.

There's more, of course- there is always more, but I have an MRI on my back tomorrow because my post surgery pain has recurred.  I can only pray it's not regrowth of the tumours.  Anyway, I need sufficient time to worry like crazy about that damn machine.

I don't know how to put this any other way.

I'll be back.

Okay, I'm starting over with the whole blogging thing

I have ignored it for SO long that it's like a sad, sad ghost town over here.  So I think I'll just do a list of things that have happened lately:

Macie made the 8th grade cheer squad!!!  Yep- I'm a cheer mom again, and I will never tire of watching the girls tumble.  Defying gravity is pretty darn awesome for someone as athletically challenged as me.

Noah is a boyscout who no longer wants to be a pediatrician because (in HIS words): that healthcare bill passed, and it just won't be worth it to go into medicine anymore!

Preston is really enjoying his audition only theatre class, and to my surprise is actually quite good!

Miranda has told me she is living with me until she is 20- or longer.... she may NEVER move out according to her.  I'm fairly certain that will change, but YIKES if it doesn't, she is quite the demanding child.

Kelsie got the dorm room she wanted (her freaking dorm room has 2 bedrooms and a LIVING ROOM, no shit- an individual living room).

I am a pretty damn awesome research coordinator!  The one poster that had my name on it placed second (and I did ALL the work, literally); and our department over all won the Dean's Cup.  Not quite sure what it means, but my boss said it would have been impossible without all my hard work- so that's nice.

And, I miss my blogger friends and the tabs I kept on my OWN life (I read my OWN archives and can't remember some of the events I've blogged about).  Hopefully people will find me again, but if not I'm glad to have this platform for memories back!

A whole new chapter in my life, and one I'm not sure I'm ready to read

Gib, Kelsie and I went to Stillwater on Saturday for her campus tour of Oklahoma State University.  It was a slightly pointless trip, because Gib and I lived and went to school there for two years (until I transferred and received my undergrad degree from TU), so we knew most of the campus; and Kelsie had stayed in 2 of the 3 different types of dorms during cheer camps.  It was nice though, we showed her Greek row (she wants to pledge a sorority (and Gib was in a fraternity there), and ate at Eskimo Joe's, plus we got to see all the new buildings they are building, which would have been ever BETTER if it hadn't been literally 30 degrees outside on a 2 hour walking tour.

Kelsie is really excited, and I'm excited for her.  I found out I was pregnant with her my first semester of college so my "college experience" also included motherhood and marriage.  I want my baby to have all the fun memories and experiences, and a great academic environment, minus any unnecessary stress.  She has never wanted to go anywhere else (I think she was indoctrinated from birth, with her frat boy dad and  living in Stillwater until she was 3), and she met the requirements and pretty much was told that she was in.  I know she'll have a great time, but gosh, at 37 (or I could be 47 or 57 or 87), I'm not ready for my little chicklet to leave the nest.  I try to imagine what it will be like, and I literally can't.  Tell me, readers who have experienced this: what do I expect?  I remember crying all night when she got upset she was stuck in a single room one year during cheer camp because she's never been alone.  The tour was the first step, now I will have a slow mental transition to August.  Maybe by then, I'll have figured it out.

I forgot to take any pics on campus- GENIUS!, but I do have some from Eskimo Joe's (LOVE that place, although I must say the cheese fries are going downhill :(  )

Kelsie and her daddy:

Kels wearing her dad's fraternity sweatshirt (no one ever even noticed, haha, even when they were talking about Greek life):

(I do not know why it looks like her head is just kind of glued on to the shirt, bad angle I guess)

Here's me! (I found out our new point and shoot has a setting specifically for closeup self-portraits and a had to try it out)

Then we were joking around about how the 3 older dorms that were built in the 60's were called the "projects" and Kelsie kept saying she didn't want to live in the projects.  Then we were brought our drinks in our Joe's cups.  Gib and I were both given white cups, and Kelsie's was black.  We jokingly told her it was a sign of things to come: that her dirty black cup compared to mine and her dad's were God's sign letting her know she was going to be living in the projects her freshman year. Hahaha.... an omen, if you will.

So, life goes on and all that.... but honestly in my heart I feel like I am the freshman ready to move away from home for new experiences.  MY own flight from the nest feels like yesterdays.  How can my baby's be just 9 months away? 
 
  
 
 

I think this speaks for itself:

My life post spinal tumor removal surgery.  This pic pretty much says it all!

The demon tree from hell

This is my oldest son and I digging up a 9 foot Christmas-y looking decorative tree that had been completely destroyed by bagworms.  EWWWWW bagworms.

Once, when I was younger my mom made me pull all the bagworms off her tree.  She did not tell me they were bagworms, she told me they were BROWN PATCHES OF TREE.  And I believed her.  When one of the PATCHES OF TREE started squirming in my hand I ran in the house and yelled at my mom that the brown PATCHES OF TREE were moving,she laughed her ass off and then told me they were worms.  I'm still not over it, by the way.

So anyway, when the bagworms made an appearance in my yard I was going to do something about it!  Yes, that's right- I chose tree eradication!  After pulling out another "tree" that was apparently poison oak (I had been cultivating that "tree" and it was over 6 feet tall.  I was painstakingly trying to save all the roots so I could replant it somewhere out of my landscaping and then the damn thing stung me or something and left me with ginormous welts on my leg) I decided to take on the demon tree.  I kept knocking bagworms on myself and screaming and my husband refused to help.  FOUR hours into my project the husband comes out with his damn saw and sawed all the branches off!  Jerk still takes credit for taking the tree down.  I spent another hour trying to dig out the roots when Gib FINALLY came and helped me.  The "tree" (nest of bagworms) lost it's battle to me, but MAN did it put up one hell of a struggle.

Here are me and Preston STANDING on our shovels because we couldn't get them any further into the ground.  It was a long, long day, but Preston and I rather enjoyed ourselves (most of the time)!

A summer post

Oh yes, I know it's FAR past summer, but I never got these pics up and it's cold and yucky today so I want to remember summer.

Today's post is about building a three person tower in a pool:

Step 1: Find 3 people willing to be a tower.

 

Build the tower:

Then watch them crash down one by one:

And somehow even the bottom of the tower managed to get knocked under.  He's talented like that!

Now, I don't know about you, but this post has actually made me colder, but it definitely is summery!  Go forth and blossom!

 

A semi-introduction to my dog blog and

to my puppy Eagle who is now one year old and brilliant in protection, although he needs a lot of work in obedience.  (We haven't done tracking- it's required, but I don't really enjoy it.)

So here's my post on Eagle's page.

I'm going to try and be more active on both blogs.